Soft-Hearted

Do you ever say something but mean something else entirely? Or what you did mean to say came out more vicious and evil than originally intended, riddled with claw and fang marks?

I have found over the last few weeks that I would much rather be made of stone than be vulnerable and raw and open for one aching moment. And the worst thing about me is that it’s by choice – I made me act that way, I made me the way I am.

Who could bear such a thing? 

Knowing that everything they’ve ever done wrong, every missed opportunity, every moment of hatred and cynicism was entirely their fault. 

I am my own worst enemy. 

A good friend of mine recently gifted me a prayer journal. 

Week One began with a topic heavy on my heart and mind. 

It looks at James 1:19-20, which states,

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Continually, the verse of James 1:27 talks about being polluted because it indicates manmade faults, such as polluting our oceans with plastic and greasy oil spills. 

I have allowed myself to become polluted by sin that flies so easily under the radar; by a “sickness” that the world does not bat an eye at, but in which I am called to be different.

More so, James discusses putting the Word into action, 

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it – not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it – they will be blessed in what they do.

– James 1:23-25

It is one thing to listen, to know what needs to be done. But it is another thing entirely to do it.  

For myself, listening intently and thoughtfully always revolves around the topic at hand, the more interesting the discussion, the more engaged I am. And I am not quick to anger, but I find being slow to speak the most difficult.

I am attuned to wanting the world to see me as acceptable or funny or witty and clever, and I want their smiles and their laughs when I already have the seal of approval from whom it matters most. 

A constant request parting my lips to remain disgustingly kind, and ridiculously soft-hearted towards others. 

Even now, day by day, I can feel the icy walls of my heart melting away, something that makes me feel changed yet vulnerable at the same time. 

Yet, praying to become soft-hearted was one thing, intentionally seeking opportunities, was another. I had to and continue to look for opportunities to express myself that way.

And in truth, I feel pleased with myself for being comfortable with being uncomfortable, for being kind and accepting and honest and raw and soft. 

Even when every fiber of my being is raging against it.

These learned attributes are bringing more goodness into my life. And for that, and because I am called to, I will continue to try to be ridiculously sweet and undauntingly kind until the bitter end.